I hear it: “Kids these days just don’t have manners.” You might hear it too at the coffee shop, the feed store, or the dinner table after church. As someone who works with young people every day through 4-H, I think we often feel frustrated when what’s needed is understanding.

Let’s be frank, manners have always been more than rules. They’re ways of showing respect, care, and consideration for others. And guess what? Today’s youth want those things too, even if they sometimes express them differently.

Some ways of being kind don’t change. Saying “please” and “thank you” still shows appreciation. Greeting someone with eye contact and a smile still says, “I see you.” Offering help when it’s needed still makes someone’s day easier.

The research backs this up. Studies show that teaching empathy and respectful communication is linked to positive youth development and better long-term relationships. In other words, manners are not just old school. They are foundational to healthy connections in school, in work, and in community life.

Kids don’t learn manners from a list on the fridge. They learn them from us. When we model respect by listening without interrupting, saying thank you with sincerity, and apologizing when we are wrong, young people notice. Author and child development expert Dr. Laura Markham writes that adults are the mirrors from which kids learn, and that teaching social skills with warmth, rather than pressure or shame, works best.

In 4-H, I see this in action every day. It looks like a teen confidently and respectfully explaining a project to a judge at a competition. It sounds like a camper pausing at the end of a long day to thank a volunteer or counselor. It shows up when a club officer notices a new member standing alone and takes the time to introduce them and help them feel included. These small but meaningful moments of respect are important to the recipient and the giver.

Now here is where we can get a bit stuck. Some adults worry that new forms of expression in clothing, technology, or speech are bad manners. But expressing identity and being respectful are not mutually exclusive. Manners are not about control; they are about connection. Teens expressing themselves through personal style or modern language are not automatically being rude. What matters is intent and awareness of others.

Technology doesn’t have to be rude. One of the most common concerns I hear is about phones at the dinner table. Screens can indeed be distracting, but they are also a permanent part of modern life. Instead of treating technology as the enemy, we can treat it as an opportunity to teach updated etiquette. Simple habits, like placing phones face down during conversations, asking permission before sharing someone’s photo online, and responding to messages thoughtfully rather than impulsively, go a long way. Research on digital citizenship shows that teaching young people to communicate respectfully online is now an important part of social education. It is simply good manners adapted for the 21st century.

Bridging the generational gap isn’t about adults lecturing teens or teens dismissing adults. It is a two-way street, one hundred percent about mutual respect. Young people grow when they understand why manners matter. Adults benefit when we listen to how young people are trying to be respectful in new ways. When both sides meet in the middle, community flourishes.

Here in our farming community, tradition meets growth. We are seeing young people step up. I’ve watched teens lead club meetings, organize community service projects, and give thanks with genuine appreciation. That tells me manners are not disappearing but instead being reinvented for today’s world.

The next time you hear someone say, “Kids don’t have manners anymore,” I invite you to look again. You might see respect in action, just expressed a little differently than it was fifty years ago.

For more information about this topic and others, contact Pam Kerley at Lee County 4-H. Pam Kerley holds a master's degree in Youth, Family, and Community Science and serves as the 4-H Program Assistant at the N.C. Cooperative Extension, Lee County Center. 4-H is a positive youth development program that offers activities to fit various interests, backgrounds, budgets, and schedules. In Lee County, 4-H provides opportunities for youth through in-school programs, after-school activities, clubs, and camps, welcoming all children eager to have fun, learn, and grow. In North Carolina, 4-H is powered by N.C. Cooperative Extension and NC A&T University, bringing expert knowledge, resources, and practical tools to enrich daily life and support community well-being.

This is a reprint of the article run in the Sanford Herald Extension News Column on

March 14, 2026.